Holding on

Jay and I are still together .

I am scare that I don't have what it takes.

He is great , the problem is me.

I feel like my dad gets between us, I feel like I don't have what it takes to become an independent adult and will go crazy in this house.

I feel useless.

How long is he going to have to wait until i get my shit together ?

Will he be able to ?

I'm terrified

Things have been going well between Jay and me.
We been in a second date , and I feel so good when I am with him .
But sometimes the silliest thing makes me think that everything will go wrong and then I'll just be shattered in pieces.
The worst part is that I like him way more than I ever liked anyone before.
I don't even know why I have doubts when he said he's not having second thoughts , and he's more real with me than anyone has been before.
I have doubts in myself , that's it.
I don't feel good enough to keep him , all I have to offer are nice feelings and good intentions .
I'm so freaking scared , I wish I wasn't scared , I wish I didn't had doubts in myself.
I don't want him to just be an entry more on my blog , another sad episode...
I haven't been this scared in a long time.

Jay

I meet a guy at work i really like
We'll call him Jay .
I told I like him we talk on whatsapp and work together sometimes.
He said he likes me and I told him that I like him too , but I feel like , how could he like me ?
I feel awkward and I feel fat and ugly.
I haven't seen him outside of work ,he said it could be arranged but I don't think is going to happen , I don't think he will go out with me.
Why would he ?

Find your ideal weight

Found out my ideal weight is 57.1kg.
And my weight should be between 49.2-66.2kg
I'm now 68,4kg. I was 70,5kg.
You can find out yours : http://www.jumboproudlyafrican.com/ideal-weight/

Stupid Mr Guru

Yes , Mr Guru the guy that thinks he is God's gift to the human race.
We had an ugly fight because he is one of this people that insult others because they don't have the same opinion as him , and think that his opinion is the only valid one and that his better than everyone.

My mum teached me to be a pessimist because you don't get dissapointed if you don't expect anything , you can only get surprised (She's deceased/Passed away)
So we were fighting because he's the kind of positive energy nazi guy.
I have no problem with people thinking like that or whatever they want , I have a problem with people trying to impose their ways on other people.

So I told him I was going to block him , which later I did.
He sent me a lot of nasty things before i got to click on the blocking settings.
Later I unblocked him but muted him , because I wanted to send him this :

i deleted your convo and muted you so don't bother talking bullshit. But i just want to tell you , that before you go ahead and tell someone that , why are they alive . "why are you even alive ?" use a bit of your tiny brain because they may not be like me and they may go and kill themselves , because of your stupid big mouthed ass.

BYE

Eating times

This is the original meal times :

• Breakfast (9 am)
• Lunch (12 pm)
• Dinner (2 pm)
• Afternoon lunch (5 pm)
• Supper (9pm)

*If you don't wake up at 9 o'clock just eat breakfast and make sure you eat your other meals every 3-4 hours

I'm a disgusting pig

I think about food way too much.
I am overweight, and no pants fit me properly , some don't fit me at all.
No wonder Yellow doesn't take me out anymore.
I ate not long ago and I am already thinking about when I can eat next.


Why do I have to be such a freaking pig , why can't I think about something else that is not fattening.

Bad night

Last night I had such a bad night I even considered getting medical/psychological help , well psychology is also medicine , right ?

I feel afraid at night many times , that's not new. But last night I felt so much fear.I was so scared.And I had all this thoughts, but not as normally , I don't know how to explain but i'll do my best...
It was like the thoughts were crowling up my head and my head was a room with 4 walls, and my thoughts were crowling up them at very high speed, while I felt fear and pain.

I remember thinking to myself really quickly:
I need help , I can't take it , I can't go on like this , it's obvious now that I need help.

I don't know if tell my dad what happened . I just don't want it to happen again , because I was terrified.That wasn't normal , there was something wrong with my head.

And It makes me scared , It makes me really scared.

But is weird telling my dad , and I'm sure he won't even take me seriously and will say that I am a fussy hipocondriac.

I don't know what to do.

My family goes out

Today is Kerry's (so we'll call her) birthday.
My family is going to go out for a meal later on , without me.

I haven't seen them in ages , and they don't want to see me , but who can blame them , but behaviour was unaceptable...basicaly I screwed up big time.

Yesterday I saw a Skype status of my aunt that said :
 bleeding hell, you all donno how quick your lives will go and you can never ever get what you missed, back, not even one day........so sort out yer heads x
my family is ruined and we will die knowing that....so remember our lives aint long lived

I'm in a bit of denial about it .

But is clear that they are no music lyrics , and if she thinks that our family is ruined is because of me . Because of my fault , because I came here and ruined it for everyone else.

And they were all dying to meet me , and now they don't want to even look at me in the face , because I dissapointed them. Everywhere I look I see disspointment on me.

And the worst part is that is totally my fault.

I always thought , but they have to forgive me one day , right ?

I always expect people to understand me, but no one ever does.

I know I'm a mess , but I need some patience, maybe I ask people for too much , maybe I'm too much of  a wreck and there's no person with enough patiente in the world to hold on to me...

Normal

You must think being normal means doing things most people do and liking things most people like...
I used to think so.

But now I don't , i think that anyone that know who they are and don't cry themselves to sleep is normal.
Being a dominatrix is normal , being a firefighter is normal , being a "freak" is normal , being grundge is normal , being YOU is normal.

Eveyone else is normal , not because they are like everyone else or because they look normal. But because they know what they want to do , they know who they are...

I don't.

I'm the one that doesn't have her shit together 
I don't know what I am doing or why I am still here.

Everyone hates me

I tried to make knew friends but everyone hates me.
They make me feel like i'm in the way.

I have a facebook that goes practically ignored despite having so many facebook "friends" , and everytime I have tried in real life people have been nice to me to my face , I make sure I get their facebooks but then they never talk to me , and trying to add them or messaging them always feel stupid because they always ignore me.

They don't have to say it , I get it ! They don't want to hang out with me, the only people who ever reply are those who live miles and miles away where they don't have to see my face.

And if someone ever asks me how I am I say I am fine because I don't want people's simpathy .
I don't want people's condescendency , I don't want to feel even more pathetic.

Getting my messages ignored just makes me feel sorry , I bothered them.

I am sorry for always being in the way , I am sorry for existing.
And I'm sorry to the people that have to tolerate me face to face , specially my dad.

Wrecked girl takes too many drugs

This is something that happened before I met my dad , 
5 years ago.
And I met Arre 2 years ago so it doesn't seem so far away.

It was times where you would see me as much time as I could drinking/ smoking or both.
I was full of anger ,but I wasn't trying to kill myself , I just didn't care if i lived.

I took too many pills , I was not even a bit scared because I didn't care about what could happen to me , I wasn't afraid to die .

They took me to the hospital , I was concious at times and I could tell people were nervous , I wasn't ...I was free , that was freedom.

I felt no pain , no anger ...for the short time that I was aware I was free ,for once in a long time I felt in peace.
Like if someone had taken all my pain off my insides, and nothing that had ever happened mattered anymore.

And it's dangerous and it's crazy to know that nearly taking my life felt so good.

So many times I wished that I had died that day...

But if i would have, i would have never met my dad , but after that may had been better for him and his life.

No trust

I have no trust left .

And I'm scared that someday someone will try to get close to me , and I will shut them out, and they'll think is because they are not good enough.

I don't want anyone to feel like I do.

And I want to live and laugh and love and feel butterflies in my stomach again and find someone to be my all.
But I know the moment I trust everything will go to shit.
Maybe is myself I don't have trust on , because I know I'll fuck up and they'll stop liking me.

And it happens everytime , even when they are the ones who asked me out, they get dissapointed I guess , with who I am and who they thought I would be.

I can feel everyone being dissapointed at me, and it makes me want to swallow a handful of pills right in the moment that I think about it.

Why would someone want to stay with me ? I'm a fraud , everyone else is better than me , more normal and more beautiful.

No one in the right mind would chose a broken sock over new vans.

Double hurt

It doesn't just hurt that they leave you.
It hurts that they don't need you.

How easily they leave , how easily they lied to you.

Then they act like you were nothing like they never knew you or like you were something they regret.

Arre says I'm psycho , I bet that's what he tells her about me.

Ok ! Go ahead and tell them I was "Psycho" , but tell them the things you promised me , tell them how I had a smile in my face the whole time , tell them how much I love you and how I would do anything for you , tell them about how I was weak and you used me and now you can't even look at me in the face.

Tell them how you wrecked me , tell them all , not just what helps you sleep at night.

It hurt how you aren't worth anything to them , and you thought you were important to them.

It hurts to know how your best was never enough for them to stay.
Doing your best to keep them even knowing that you are a garbage of a human being , but thinking they'll understand.

They always remember the one thing you failed at.

Maybe I overstimated my best and was never good enough.
I tried.

I saw Arre in the street

After Arre already left me.
And before he met his fiance , I saw Arre in the street.

I turned around and there he was in the crowd , I could find him in a million.
He didn't notice I was there , and before he could I ran away.

I ran , and ran and ran as fast as possible.

Part of me didn't had the smallest idea of what to do , another part of me didn't want to scare Arre away and another part of me didn't feel good enough.

What had been his cute date girl was looking like shit , besides I knew he didn't wanted to see me.

Maybe I kinda care about what Arre wants ?
Maybe I do care about his feelings more than mine.
But it hurts like hell to know he is gone.

Even than sometimes I did think that I could have done differently , kidding myself , thinking it could have changed things.
Sadly , life is not a movie and you can't get someone back with a kiss.

Life doesn't give a fuck if you heart is broken.

Bye Harry

Oh well, here's me.
Right after I wrote that post about Arre , I checked my phone to see something from Harry.

It said that he was sorry but he can't do this anymore as he is in love with his ex.

It didn't hurt me at all , I don't love Harry, I never did.
After Arre left me , I was just trying to fill a sand hole with chewing gum.

So I told Harry , you see ? You never loved me.
I told you.

So it looks like I dodged a bullet, luckily I never got excited or expected anything from him.
I could't , how could I ? 

All my tears had been used in another love.

Arre isn't coming back

I have come to the realisation that...
Arre is never coming back.
A logical realisation I should have made a long time ago but I didn't want to.


The girl that he is going to marry , she has the same disease as him . I'm sure that makes him have great sympathy for her.
And he seems to love her kid like one of his own.
She wouldn't have gotten to him if he didn't left me first, but it's too late now to fix it.
I been chasing a boat long gone.


I'll guess I'll have to wait and see if someone new comes along , because let's be honest I don't see anything with Harry lasting.


Harry is the kind of man that will trade you in the wink of an eye.
I'll just have to wait , and try again to not fuck it up , but after all this time I kinda of lost the hope of finding a new love. Which doesn't surprise me as Arre rathers being with a woman double my age , in a wheelchair and 100 times my non existent wrinkles than with me.


It never finishes to sink in .
I can't believe I lost him and I can't believe everything that happened.

My family

You see , the funny thing is , before i came to England and met my family
I never had the fear of : What if they don't like me ?

It never even crossed my mind.

They were my family , they had to like me , right ?

Ha , how wrong I was...they don't.

Infact they haven't spoken to me since shortly after I arrived here.
Not even a text or a call , not even to make sure I'm alive.
The police did come to my house to make sure I was settling in okay , and asked if I needed help because I had cuts and maybe I could want some counseling.

Back then I said no , but right now the idea even sounds good , I never been a fan of telling my stuff to counselers but i feel like I wouldn't be talking , I'd just be plain crying in her/his shoulder.

I never want to cry in my dad's shoulder , even when I'm alone I try really hard to hold back my tears even that it makes my head hurt.
I don't want anyone to see me crying.

Mr guru tries to school me

Mr Guru was talking to me about happines and opening my heart and bullshit.
Saying he could help me and shit...

The thing with help , is I had help before , even that I didnt share and let them help me as much as i could i gone to therapy before.

Those place only give me fake hope.

Because when you think everything got nice and shinny , something happens or someone fucks you over.
It just happens over and over and over , and the higher I go up the ladder the harder I fall back down.

So no thanks , I'm good in my pool of shit.

Nothing even has to happen for me to feel sad , in fact sometimes I really feel like shit in momments that other people would consider happy or nice , but then boom the smallest thing brings me a memory that shatters me to pieces , the memory of someone I once was or something good i had .

And that's all it takes a small tiny tiny memory to send it all to shit.
Just a memory to make me hate myself and remind me I fucked up , I have plenty of those memories to remember .

I'm fucked up.

So no , you can't help me. Some people are just fuck ups and I'm the number one .

I'll always be alone

I'll always be alone.
I know now , I can see the pattern.

They come around they see me , use me , lie to me , they use me for a while to feel good about themselves .
I put people in a pedestal , and sooner after they reliase that they don't need me.

Why be with a caterpillar when you are already a butterfly , right ?

They get enfatuated with me but when they get to know me and they realise that I'm not what they expected .

I had been screwed over before , obviously...but never as fucked up as when Arre left.
He was special to me , the kind of special you can look at forever and never get bored.
And it's not only that , but since Arre left , nothing is the same...

I see people with different eyes...

Where before I saw love now I see lies , where I used to see hope now I see distrust.

If he could lie to me like that why wouldn't others ?
If i left him know that he was my everything and he left me anyway , why wouldn't others ?

My best is not good enough , I'm not good enough...
I always regret fucking up and losing my chance...I'm a fucking fuck up.

Mr Guru

I'll call this one mr Guru as he is so fucking philosophical.
I met Guru one day at the mall.

This was after Yellow stopped meeting up with me.
So we had sex, I got some much needed company for a bit.

He gave me his info , for nothing serious just friends , and I wasn't feeling like anything else either let alone something with this fuckboy i just met.

But chatting online things quickly turned ugly.

He would get deffensive and turn around everything I would say , also get really angry because I wanted to make clear that I don't want to have sex with him again.

He would insult me and say that I was "harrasing him" , which doesn't make any sense because to be honest , I couldn't care less about him and I was blocking him in every social thing that he would pop up in, I am not stupid enough to think about obvious fuckboys.

So I blocked him on everything a pair of months ago , and now he made a new Facebook and added me...

I don't know what he wants but I don't have time for his fuckery and I am not in the mood to deal with his silliness , and I'm sure am not in the mood for sex with someone like him.
He doesn't even know anything about me.

I will not do anything like that again , it just makes me feel like a piece of garbage.
Being fuckable doesn't make me feel pretty or worthy.

Fuck that dude feeding in other's people misery , fuck him , fuck all the fuckboys.

YOU ARE FUCKING LUCKY I FUCKED YOU ONCE , let it be.

I hate how some people think everyone must want them , and that they are freaking urresistable.
You don't know nothing about me , sad betrayed people like me aren't here to fill your ego and get your dick wet.

I hate you . I hate you . I hate you. I hate you.

I want to be small again

I want to go back to when we were all friends and even if we wasn't we still could have a nice time.
When things were easy and no one expected anything from me.
When I was happy...well I wasn't always happy in my childhood.

I was a pretty confused child , but things were so much better than now.
Everything was simpler , you "loved" your bf and he "loved" you back , and you could hold hands all day long without anyone wondering what your bra size was.

Your parents were never dissapointed , they were just happy that you knew the capitols of the countries. Just thinking about it puts a grin on my face.

Back then I didn't even know that anxiety was a thing , didn't care abou my grades and never imagined that one day I would care so much about what I look like.

If you told me as a kid that someone would cut their veins to die or starve themselves , that would have sound ridiculous to me and I would have told you that you were crazy haha

I had people that would ignore me back then and marginalise me , but I would ignore it and not give a fuck about them .

Maybe I'm just more worn out and able to understand what I didn't then...
I just wanna be small and thoughtless again.

Arre left me

I'm so lost.
The day I met Arre seems so far away but still I can't forget  , and the memory of me seems so different from who I am today.
I was a girl with butterflies in her stomach , today I'm the girl with scratches in her arms and tears in her eyes that can't get herself to move on.

He left me because I was clingy...I got clingy because I felt him slipping away from me...I needed him and he left me.
I was really scared of losing him because I never had something so good before in my whole life , so I held on tight.

He said I was his everything , how could he do this to me ?
I guess everyone lies.

I wasn't even clingy all the time , i just got insecure when he stopped replying , he was in pain and i couldn't do anything to help him.
I felt so impotent.

It didn't make any sense and it still doesn't make any sense now.
After all the heavy words he used , like saying that he loved me , that he couldn't live without me , all the promises . He made me feel...like...i was special...

But I was not.
I was not special for him...and I'm not special for anyone.

The truth is that I'm quite worthless ,and easily replaced.

My dad

I can feel his dissapointment.
His little girl has grown to be a lazy nobody.

I know it , I know I should be doing stuff , studying , finding a job...
I can't find my motivation.

It hurts me to dissapoint my dad , the only person I have in the world.
But I don't want to do anything.

I didn't even ask to be alive...I just don't get what the freacking point is .
I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.

I am just alive because I am a coward , and I'm so tired.

And I would never tell him how I feel because he tries so hard to make me happy and look after me , that I'd be terrible if he knew I'm not really happy.

Yellow

I met Yellow after I met "Arre" and "Harry".

When I met him , I thought he was great.

The whole time I would have my doubts as I learned to trust people less after being with Arre , after all the things he promised to me.

But I liked being with him .

We went in a bunch of dates and with time I would see things , the way he acted it made me feel like he did love me and loved being with me .

During his last university year he would come every weekend and we would go out.

But just when I thought he loved me , he dropped me.

He got a job and stopped meeting up with me ...And I know he wasn't just busy because he didn't work everyday and in a whole year not one single time made time for me.

We had a fight but we came back together everytime.

He ended up telling me that he didn't love me and that things had gone "weird" between us.

Suddently i didn't matter at all...

Harry

Harry , that's how we'll call him.
He wants to get back with me , suddently he is coming up with all this settling down and all this things , and I don't know why.

The guy says that he loves me and that he got feelings for me since he met me and that they didn't went away.
I don't believe him at all , not even a little bit .

He loves me he says , HA...

When Arre said it , I believed it , i was innocent and gullible , i had hope and shinny eyes.
But I'm not new on this I know now.

Just because someone says they love you doesn't mean they do.

Besides I know for a fact that he doesn't love me.

I met him a two years ,not long ago after Arre left me .We went on a date and that was it , he stopped replying to my texts , he got back with his ex and just stopped replying to me and didn't tell me anything . That was in new years eve , so I even thought something happened to him.

He would go out with a few girls and then when they left him chat to me after he apologized and all that.

Just recently he dated someone else and she broke with him , so like always he came to chat to me. Everyone just uses me as an emergency pillar.

After knowing this , you can see how I have very clear that he doesn't love me and is just using me to not be alone .
Probably why he is going into "Settle down panic mode" after seing they all leave him.

I "accepted" going out with him , but i been avoiding meeting him.

One side of me tells me this could be my only chance , but another very big freaking side of me feels really tired and like I can't do this.

I feel like there is just so much dissapointment I can handle , you know ?

Arre

I'm sad because Arre (so we'll call him)
Is engaged to get married.

Which means there will be no chances of him ever texting me and asking me out ever again and losing that hope breaks my heart all over again.
But is just kidding myself because he'd never love me back.

Welcome to my blog

I had blogs before , but I had many blogs of different things (typical of me )
so i decided to make this blog about myself and have it all here instead of in a bunch of half made blogs.
I'm one of those girls that are not pretty , and I'm not one of those girls who are pretty and think they are not. I'm just ordinary , not very pretty and my hair is not very long and nice.

My family doesn't have money , and I'm a  total loser with no job , to be honest to you I am too lazy and unmotivated to get one.

My life is sad to be honest , and who am I kidding , I don't expect anyone to read me but I can vent , right ?

I'm practically invisible , here , in real life and on Facebook even...

I'll be updated this post as i see convinient and things come up to mind.